You’re the ideal church-goer. You’re sharp and witty and an asset to any organization. You tell it like it is and get things done. But, unfortunately, there’s no ideal church. And, more importantly, no ideal pastor. However, with a little help from you, your pastor can turn it around in no time. It’ll be a great learning experience for him, and he’ll be grateful he chose to serve the Lord by serving you.
So here’s how to get involved at your church, and how to give your pastor the worst week of his life all at the same time.
How to Give Your Pastor the Worst Week of His Life
9:58 am — Grab your pastor immediately before the service. Since he hasn’t done his job for a week, he should be ready to give you his best. Tell him all about the problems you’re dealing with.
Bonus points for grabbing him after the service, as well, to ask him if the sermon was directed at you.
1:35 pm — Consider calling your pastor’s cell phone while he’s at Sunday brunch with his family to tell him you’re offended that he preached the sermon at you.
7:55 am — It’s your pastor’s day off. Text him to offer to do the worship PowerPoint for next Sunday. He may not respond right away, so keep texting until you’ve received confirmation that it’s understood you’re willing to serve.
9:57 am — Start a rumor about the pastor’s wife. Tell everyone.
3:43 pm — Begin a Facebook event and phone campaign to invite all the regular attendees of your church’s Wednesday night service to come with you to a special event at another church.
9:47 pm — Post pictures on social media of all the fun you and your church friends had visiting the other church Wednesday and tag them so their friends will see it. Add superlatives like “Best worship ever!!!” and “I was blown away by the message tonight. I haven’t heard one so powerful in a long time!!”
Extend Tuesday’s rumor about the pastor’s wife to people who’ve never been to your church. Why leave them out? Make sure to include directions of where the church is located.
8:30 pm — Find out where the pastor’s family is spending the evening (try social media) and drop by unannounced. This will give you some great impromptu one-on-one Bible study time, a chance to ask for clarification on the sermon, and important notes on where his family was, what they were wearing, and how late they stayed out to pass along to someone later.
10:49 pm — Before bed, call your pastor to ask him to pray with you about what you’re struggling with. Make a list before you call so you can hit everything. He’s probably asleep, resting for the mental and physical challenges of the day ahead, but that’s okay. He’ll get up for you.
3:02 am — Call again multiple times until your pastor picks up. Tell him that your struggle has gotten really bad and ask if he’ll meet with you right now.
10:30 am — Arrive to church late. Explain that you couldn’t do the PowerPoint because you aren’t feeling well from talking to your pastor all night.
12:20 pm — Target someone you know and confirm the rumors about the pastor’s wife that you heard earlier.
12:22 pm — Confront your pastor for not shaking your hand, and tell him you’re offended and aren’t coming back because the church isn’t meeting your needs.
Extra Credit — Ask for a reference of another church in town so you can begin it all again with one of his friends. Repeat.