Dear Christian girl,
I heard your story. You got cheated on again, this time by a guy you were sure was the right one. He was suave. He was cool. He was hella romantic. I’m sorry. Cry it out. There you go.
Now, let’s get serious, because I just about gagged when I heard all you want is to find a good guy with whom you have chemistry. Please.
Spare me, and listen to what a decent guy (no longer single) has to say to you:
You Christian girls are ruining your chance at a good guy because you want chemistry. You want hot. You want game. You want smooth. And you want good. But that guy doesn’t exist.
What you really want is, out of all the “Christian” guys that you could choose, to find that smooth-talking, charming guy who you have hot chemistry with, a guy who delivers the fantasy with the flowers and a line attached that makes your heart skip a beat. You want the Christian version of Don Juan.
The problem is the only guy who fits the description of the ideal Christian guy you’re looking for is fake. He’s an illusion. In reality, the guy you’re looking for is superficial. And you love it. Right up until you find out he has a girlfriend or a fiance or is cheating. You want the game, then you don’t wanna play.
The truth is, you’re attracted to superficial. And it’s shallow. The only possibility of actually getting the guy you want out of that Christian sphere is the sliver of guys who are superficial and fake and want your chemistry as bad as you want theirs.
The guy you want — the one you’d have chemistry with — practices game so hard with other girls that he becomes the game, and “Christian” is a punch line he adds for effect. It doesn’t define who he is. It isn’t possible to find a guy who oozes chemistry, with smooth game, and who is a knight in shining armor who would never cheat, lie, or divorce. I’m not saying it’s unlikely. I’m saying you will never find him because he doesn’t exist. That’s why your search for your dream Christian guy is so frustrating. Because it is inherently self-defeating.
All you Christian girls who want a guy, listen up. There’s a reason you will choose the wrong guy 100% of the time if you want chemistry on your list of priorities:
The amount a guy invests in his game, his appearance, his style, his smoothness at capturing girls’ hearts — exactly what makes you feel that chemistry and want him — is directly proportional to how shallow he is. It’s a fundamental truth: a person can only invest in image or character, never both.
The more he invests in his image, the hotter he appears, but the less he’s invested in his character. The more he invests in his character, the less investment he has for those image things, the superficial ones. And that’s primarily where chemistry comes from. A practiced, sexualized version of relationship where flirting and attraction and sexual tension and finally release are everything.
What I’m saying is this:
You directly ruin your chance of finding a good Christian guy by looking for a guy with whom you have chemistry, because the guys who practice this art are the ones who are d**che bags. Game players. The more you want it equates to the more easily you are won by them, because you’re secretly hoping for the game they’re playing.
Christian girl, you finalize the contestants down to all the fakes and end up with a 0% chance of finding a good guy in the bunch because of what you’re looking for as your starting criteria.
You’ve entered and lost a game you pretend you don’t want to play. But really you are addicted to.
One thing you need to understand about chemistry is it is just natural pheromones being released. Every person has chemistry with every other person of the opposite sex when they flirt simultaneously. I could have chemistry with anyone I flirt with who’s attracted to me, but I’m married so I won’t. It’s the release of attraction and energy between two people. It’s natural and circumstantial and proves nothing. Chemistry is not something you either have or don’t have with a person. What a crock. It’s something you practice. Those guys who smooth-talk and play game have chemistry with every girl they meet. As much as with you.
Well, d*uches gonna d*uche. The problem, my dear, is not with them. It is a character flaw in YOU. You’ve decided you want to be swept away by superficial things — the feelings, the chemistry, the game. But you don’t wanna play that game. Oh, right. You want to play it so bad you come back every time even after you lose again and again.
If this is you, you’ll go out and look for the same superficial things again, thinking you’ll find the right hot guy with chemistry this time, when all you do is switch from one dirt bag to another because you haven’t changed what in you is causing you to want them.
It’s this:
Looking for chemistry means you’ll find a shallow, sexualized man who has practiced manipulating his effect on women all his life. And every bit of focus he puts into that, his smile in the mirror, the tone of his voice, his appearance and vibe, is investment he hasn’t put into his character. It’s a simple rule of life. You invest in image or character.
Guys who build their character usually don’t have this image stuff down. They’re not as cool or hot. They haven’t mastered flirting. Because they’re building what is right while you’re focused on what feels right. They’re building what is good while you’re focused on what looks good. They’re building what has internal value while you’re focused on external appearance. They’re building soul deep while you’re focused on aesthetically pleasing, what’s on the surface.
So you have to decide: do you want to be screwed over all your life by what you are currently attracted to, or do you want to grow to become attracted to what will love you for the rest of your life?
You have to decide if you want what looks good, feels right, and is external, shallow, surface level, or what is good, is right, and has internal, spiritual, deep value, but doesn’t look the package. Because it hasn’t practiced the packaged. It’s invested all its worth into the substance within those paper walls.
I’ve found in my own life the more I search for the one, the more I lose the other.
Christian girl, if this is you, it’s time to change what you value. Change what you seek. Trade in your version of an attractive, sexy, hot guy for a godly, strong, good guy. The kind five-minutes-ago you would never notice, but the rest-of-your-life you will thank you for forever.
Every man builds one or the other, exterior or interior, superficial or spiritual, image or character. And you can’t have both. You have to choose.
If every guy you date is good-looking, 6’2, with a wide smile and a penchant to break your heart, it’s about you. It’s not him. It’s you. You’re the one who asks him to beat you at a game you pretend you’re not playing.
Quit looking for sexy, cool, chemistry, and you eliminate the players and quit a game you could never win.
Decide God and character are the only two things. And nothing else matters. The rest is just warning signs. And when you see them — chemistry might be one — don’t ignore your gut because he’s hot and you want it to work out. Bias yourself against the guy with game, the hot one you want, and allow yourself a chance to grow.
You can still find attraction, but it will be based on something more substantial than chemistry. Then and only then, you’ll meet a man of God you can build a life with. It will have chemistry different from the fantasy — and all the guys who practice it on a host of girls like you — but longer lasting. Two people sitting with a Bible, falling in love with a God who calls them to become deeper than they are, as they learn to love each other more maturely than they’ve ever loved anyone before. That is worth more than a feeling. Deep love with a guy like that is like nothing in this world.
(I’ve added a note in the comments for those who challenge the principle of image vs character or want a deeper look into it. Also, click the link for one of our most popular posts on image and character in the church called fake for Christ’s sake.)
Wow! You’ve nailed it! Beauty is only skin deep. Perfectly said, there’s no such thing as a solid Christian guy who is also Don Juan.
I was my husband’s first girlfriend. We met at 19. He was an awesome Godly man and still is, and more, today. The chemistry for him he says was instant, while the chemistry fo me really hit me after we married. I was head over heals in love with him in college, but in a pure relationship, the chemistry comes after getting married. That’s the way God intends. It’s why purity til marriage is so precious and so right.
There’s so much temptation out there, especially for the young and single.
Thank you, JP, for posting this warning for single Christian women. There are so many wolves out there, waiting to conquer and then leave. It’s heartbreaking to see this scenario unfold in the lives of so many women. But even if they fail, learning the hard way, God is forgiving. The blood of Jesus will wash you white again, so you can have the chance to start over. I pray these women chose wisely after being burned once. The rewards are great, of marrying that socially awkward Christian guy. You won’t be betrayed by this Godly man and happily ever after is possible after all.
Thanks Susan! It’s encouraging to a young married guy that some couples like you have it right. Keep building a lifelong love!
And you struck my purpose in writing this. I was already working on another post about this, but when I found out about one more girl who has been taken advantage of and bounced back looking for chemistry I had to write this with a sense of urgency.
I thought about adding this for clarification, but didn’t because of length and because I was concerned a girl would depend too heavily on her judgment in trusting it:
The best a girl could hope for is finding a recovered d**che bag who still has the charm and game he practiced for years, but has since built a man of character.
Be warned — this is hard to judge, because he may well still be that guy. I spent a few years practicing those arts and did get smooth, but here’s the thing. When I met my wife I didn’t use any of that game on her. I just was mature and real. I think a more solid foundation is built on that even for a guy who has game that can charm a girl. I didn’t use it; I was romantic, but that is very different from playing every angle to manipulate a girl’s heart.
You can find attraction without basing it on chemistry, which is easily fake-able especially for a girl who thinks it’s a real thing and an indicator of what she wants. In reality, it’s just biology.
The principle of image vs character is true. The reason is we only have so much attention, so what we use on building image, we waste on character. And the goals of the two are antithetical. At the core, they sabotage each other in subtle ways. I have seen this countless times to confirm it. There are godly Christian girls and guys who people adore that have major lack in areas of their lives that people don’t know about, because in those areas they’ve coddled superficiality, they’ve invested in it.
And there were still traces of superficiality in me in ways even when I met my wife. Let’s just say I presented a more hygienic guy than she married. The point is, image vs character isn’t totally black and white. It’s what is mixed through the batch of dough that you should consider. It can have very real and devastating consequences if what you seek is actually what destroys you.
Just be warned, we’re none of us perfect. And we have only so much to build with. So consider deeply the signs on the surface of what lies below. Not what you want to see, but the potential pitfalls that likely come with what you do see.
If a man truly puts God first, even before you, and you Put God first before that man. That man will be good to you. You must have a Christ-centered relationship.
Great comment, Steve! If Christ is the center of our focus, we’ll find our priorities line up and the benefit is incalculable. Thanks!
So what should an honest Christian girl do when she feels chemistry towards a guy who is basically average? I think he’s gorgeous but objectively he is kind of scrawny and plain, just an average job too and I don’t know if he has a nice car or drives the bus.
I have been single for just a year and have no clue how to or if I should even flirt with him. Isn’t it the mans role to strike up a conversation if he is interested in a lady. Or am I stuck in the nineties? Or maybe I have been desensitised by creepy non Christian men asking me out or for my number I assume any man I like should do the same.
Great question. It’s one many women have struggled with. I don’t think you’re stuck in the 90s. You sound like a wise woman to desire a man who will initiate. That can be hard for guys, but it is absolutely important for them to be able to do to this as they step into being able to lead a family.
Here’s something you can do to possibly ease any tension a guy may feel in the process — smile. Just a reassuring smile can go a long way to letting a guy feel comfortable that his advances won’t be met with ice cold rejection. I think it’s best to leave the initiation to him, but you can feel comfortable talking to him as it seems appropriate for your relationship. I wouldn’t worry about your ability to flirt. I’m not saying it isn’t appropriate, but from my experience God often works through a woman building her character, focusing on him, not isolating herself completely from guys, and being open to respond to a godly man who shows attention at the right time. A lot of guys notice girls for the wrong reasons, but a really quality godly guy will be looking for character and relationship with God first, although a woman seeing her own beauty and feeling comfortable in her own skin is definitely attractive too. God designed us to be attractive when we like and respect who we are, although the best guys will be looking for something deeper!
As a small point, I want to say chemistry isn’t the enemy; however pursuing or requiring it is dangerous and counterproductive. God wants us to be attracted. He just wants attraction to be centered on things that give him glory more than one’s often-rehearsed or over-sexualized romantic arts. May God bless you as you seek God and trust him for the man he has for you!
While I agree that chemistry shouldn’t be alone on the list of top priorities in looking for a mate, I differ on your definition of chemistry. To me chemistry doesn’t mean smooth talking or hotness, but I must say it is difficult to define exactly. I definitely had chemistry with my husband that I did not experience with a different guy who was interested in me right before meeting Jon. They both had good character and were just as attractive. I hung out a few times with the other guy but it never went anywhere because that chemistry just wasn’t there. With Jon there was definitely chemistry right away, but it wasn’t the deciding factor in pursuing a relationship.
Erica, I think you’ve hit the point of the post by not making it the deciding factor in pursuing a relationship. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I suppose there are multiple definitions one could use for chemistry. This is more about sexual/attractiveness chemistry, the spark I’ve heard a number of single Christian girls say they are most looking for in a guy. I think that kind of chemistry is tied to a romantic novel-esque fantasy and unrealistic notion that can be a trap and lead them unwittingly to the wrong guys. It can for guys, as well.
You certainly found an amazing guy and man of God, and there is no match for that. Personality, friendship, character — it’s all part of what makes us notice and come back to a person, and more broadly, this could all be defined as chemistry. I think that’s a good thing! My point was to demystify where chemistry comes from that a lot of people I’ve talked to refer to — a spark based on mutual attractiveness and flirtation that is more instinctual — and to point people back to what matters in the long run in a relationship.
I think healthy relationships can be developed with people who don’t catch our eye initially, but who we notice over time because of their inner qualities. Although the context is different, the movie As Good As It Gets captures this profoundly: “What I do is, I watch. Ever watch somebody who doesn’t know you’re watching them? … Somebody just waiting, and you see this flash come over them. And you know immediately that has nothing to do with anything external because that hasn’t changed. They’re just sort of realer and more alive. You look at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.”
What if I’m 16 dating a guy who is 17 and also about to enter the university. He’s a shallow Christian but very responsible, romantic in words(not my body), caring , doesn’t play games, and kind. What should I do?
Break up with him or continue dating and teach him about Christ.