When I think about the personal experiences of racism my black friends are sharing now and the response of some of my white friends that prejudice, privilege, and institutional racism are no longer an issue in this country, I realize there are some challenging interpersonal skills people struggle with that must come before anyone’s views on racism will change.
Essentially, we can’t change anyone’s opinions on racism not only because of racial ignorance but also because most people lack these two basic interpersonal skills.
And if we’re not aware of it, we’ll just be screaming to change society while our audience holds their hands over their ears.
1. Interpersonal Perspective
Many people struggle to imagine what it’s like to be another person and understand experiences that are different from their own. It’s hard to see other people’s perspective because of this, especially people of color who walk around in “different skin” and are perceived by others differently.
Most people haven’t practiced giving the benefit of the doubt to others enough to see it is essential when there’s so much about them we can’t know. We’ve each lived for so long in our own experiences, mindsets, perspective, and “skin” that it’s hard to admit our lifetime of experience is completely invalid and really BAD at understanding another person or community. We have no experience at being them, their culture or treatment in America, and we have no idea what they’re talking about.
I believe that’s why many in the white moderate majority struggle to accept racial prejudice still exists in an impactful way in society. It takes the skill of putting another person’s skin on and walking around awhile, which is really hard to do. Heck, it’s hard for anyone to do this for another, but we can get better at it if we want to.
2. Intellectual Humility
Most people hold their opinions firmly. We choose sides, mark the battle lines, and fight fiercely for an idea that almost becomes our new identity. The problem is, when it concerns a black community that white individuals see from varying levels of distance, we AREN’T them, so we have to hold our opinions about it LOOSELY. We have to be willing to take a litmus test every now and then to assess whether we’re perhaps on the wrong side or seeing it unclearly.
Essentially, for the white majority to change and adopt an understanding that prejudice, privilege, and institutional racism are still problems in America, they have to be ABLE to disagree with themselves at some point. That takes humility. It takes a loosely-held opinion of others and a firmly-held commitment to our own personal humility.
So here are some quick thoughts on what we can do:
1. Educate Without Attacking
When we educate with grace and compassion we appeal to the intellect. We also allow any humility that may be present to take its place in driving decision-making. If we fight our friends on social media, it shuts down their humility to think, and they defend the incorrect position in a battle they’ve chosen as their own. No one wins against that.
2. Show Them Honest, Candid Views of Different Life Experiences
In addition to people of color sharing personal experiences of racism, white people can open up about the thoughts that led them to their current beliefs. I’m hoping a transparent personal dialogue modeled by more white people can help honest seekers work through their own questions. It is my belief many of the white majority have unanswered questions about racism they hold close to the sweater vest. I know I did, until those were slowly answered as I watched and listened. Others will watch and listen, too, and it’s important we walk them through the process, even if we don’t know they’re watching while we do it.
3. Don’t Give Up and Be Patient
Research shows people are much more likely to change and keep conclusions they believe they’ve come to themselves. Give them room to do that. It takes time. I believe we can all be loving, patient, and grow together, but we have to help people see this themselves so they can come to an understanding we may have. And then we will truly be one race with many beautiful hues and cultures.
It is completely understandable to be outraged. I am outraged at what I see happening and how I hear people responding to it. We should be. But I also know now is the time to channel my outrage into productive work that endures with results. I only win allies with love, understanding with patience, and change with humility and the willingness to grow.
JP
