This world is a tough place to be a Christian. We’re criticized and looked down on. We’re criticized for criticizing and looking down on. We’re too stupid to be considered human, yet barely non-vegetative enough to still be bigots. And if you’ve followed my ten ways to make Christians love you (and a few people still do), there’s a good chance non-Christians want nothing to do with you for de-friending them on Facebook and glaring when they entered the church parking lot.
Fortunately, that can all change. If you follow these ten easy steps, you — even you — can hear those cries of “Crucify him!” turn to jubilant praise, as the world falls in worship at your feet.
1. Leave your spouse. And encourage a friend to do the same.
The church has poo-poo’d Christians’ fun for years by taking the whole “before God” thing seriously. Sure, your spouse loves you, but there’s probably someone out there you could love more. And now is a perfect time to find out, since you’ve snagged a permanent babysitter. This is a great chance to prove you’re a forward-thinking, rational, independent Christian, not someone stuck in the past looking for direction from things like, you know, the Bible. Just tell your friends you weren’t married to the one. They’ll be so confused, they’ll have to support you. And the kids will adjust.
2. Have casual sex with a person you just met.
First impressions are everything. Why not make them count? You’ll shed that judgmental Christian tag really quickly if you jump into bed with non-Christians before they can criticize you for judging them. You might feel hypocritical, but the world will call you a saint, and you’ll instantly have the support of the cool kids on the wide-is-the-gate way with you. Sure, you may suffer PTSD from someone whose name you can’t remember, but people will think fondly of you, if they ever recognize you again in line at the health clinic.
I’m not sure, but I think this has something to do with buying strangers 24 packs and a cocktail of drugs so they can do experimental things on you while you’re unconscious in what can only be described as the best night of your life. Sacrifice your mind and body (you weren’t using them), your legacy (your kids will love you for the habits you pass on), and your integrity (meh), on the altar of foreign substances in the effort to prove you only live once. I guarantee it’ll be effective.
4. Switch your gender.
You probably shouldn’t actually switch your gender. That would require some incredibly painful, potentially disastrous surgeries, and the likelihood you become a woman with shockingly thick chin stubble. No, simply say you’re the other gender. You’ll instantly convince everyone (Facebook will make up 50 gender options for you), be lauded as a hero to society, and gain access to the world’s most previously secure, hallowed institution — the women’s bathroom. They’ll never notice the chin stubble.
5. Emasculate men to empower women.
Men have had this wrong since the rib. It didn’t help that God followed suit with a stupid book telling women to submit. If you want your faith to be truly modern and revered these days, you can’t follow a man. That’s too cliche. Make Mom the head of your house, find a church where you can follow a woman pastor, and have Dad try his glands at mammary production. Yeah, the baby may get cotton mouth a little quicker than usual and the whites will all turn pink, but you’ll finally make life fair, once you’ve done it for 2000 years to make up for, oh, most of the books of the New Testament.
6. Give your kids away.
Now is the perfect time to give away your kids, who should be more than grateful to get to go to school at age 1. For about six dollars an hour, you can jumpstart a career. For three day pajamas, you can get neatly pressed work slacks. And for slightly snotty, snuggly tears, you can receive 3-D project portfolios and pseudo-office flirting. Plus, you’re opting in when social compensation is at the highest — people will love you for your independent, go-getter attitude. You may miss a few classic first phrases like “Are you my mother?”, but the daycare workers can record them if they think of it. And if not, you can all laugh about it when you’re reunited in family therapy.
7. Vote to make the government give away money, so you don’t have to.
You’d be crazy to give away your own money, but the principle of giving sounds nice. Fortunately, there’s phantom money you can vote the government to give people for free (!!!), and you get to keep your own. Conservatives on average give 30% more than liberals in every demographic (not just the rich). So, become a liberal and get the best of both worlds. You’ll look great for talking about how the government should give money to the poor, and you can finally buy that yacht you’ve always been dreaming of. Becoming liberal is the sensible choice for your politics and your pocketbook.
8. Turn your Bible into a Christmas pageant.
The problem with the Bible is it gets in the way of your life. But the stories are entertaining. So think of the Bible as a Sunday School pageant with angels with glitter wings and disciples with glue-on shepherd’s beards, and you’ll avoid all those tricky ways it’s trying to tell you how to live your life. Jesus laughing it up with the religious leaders, Mary and Joseph ducking from door to door to avoid the Pharisees. Faith is fun, isn’t it?
9. Champion a non-boring sexual lifestyle.
There are infinite possibilities of lifestyles available, and Christianity’s really only tried one. And boy, you can bet God picked the most boring. Why not mix it up? Champion an alternative lifestyle and you’ll be seen as an open-minded, authentic Christian. God’s explanation that homosexuality, bisexuality, and polyamorous-ness are desires of the flesh that he wants to renew isn’t going to make us look cool. Help God out by taking all his words out of the Bible and putting in your own. Because true love lets people do what they want. God would know if he grew up in the Yahoo News era.
10. Support people’s right to kill family members.
If you killed a pregnant woman, you’d be prosecuted for a double homicide, because of course the baby didn’t want to die — the mother had no intention of it. But parents who choose to kill their snuggly in utero precious personalities, their kids are just asking for it. Nevermind their arms and legs are ripped off in gruesome violence, nevermind science has proven they feel pain just like any post-utero human, nevermind if they’re born abortionists leave them to die or just kill them post-birth. This isn’t about humanity, love, or justice. It’s about your right to feel loved for making people feel good about wearing skinny jeans, no matter how many arms and legs they have to rip off to fit into them.
So basically, being loved by the world is easy. Just follow whatever is trending in society or on Twitter, and you’ll not only find the world loves you, but they’ll be more than happy to hear about your Christianity. You may even pick up a few followers along the way. But you’ll never have to hear those cries of “Crucify him!” again.
And who knows? Maybe if Jesus had figured this out he’d never have had to die in the first place.
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